Don't look back: That's not where you're going

I told Him that I liked him. That's a huge deal for me. I've never chosen to pursue the possibility that something could happen. Until now, a crush has always meant I felt deeply awkward and uncomfortable around that person for as long as the crush lasted. And without ever dealing with it, those crushes lasted forever. But I never truly felt that someone could possibly requite my feelings.

And at least in this case, that's still how it is. But I learned something valuable. I have never been able to "turn a crush off" but the person you like can. When you open up about it, the crush goes away. It'll either morph into mutual attraction or fade out. The only way to keep it alive after that is if you refuse to let it go. I can't think of anything more unhealthy than banging your head against a door you know is never going to open.

But that doesn't mean there isn't a degree of pain involved. It's hard not to let a rejection of a moment become a rejection of yourself. Honestly, I'm not even sure what I would have done if He'd felt the same (that's never happened before) but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have loved to hear that. My confidence is generated internally. I like me a lot. But every once in a while, I have a moment of weakness, where I'd like to hear it from someone else.

But He isn't the someone. Let's be honest. It's not a really great idea. There are a lot of reasons why I never should have gone there in the first place. Frankly, it's easy to overlook bad ideas when they're packaged together with a dreamy pair of brown eyes. But I know logically that pursuing that would have been a bad idea. A rabbit trail away from where I want to go. Maybe even a major detour.

It's easy to tell myself this is for the best. It's a little harder to put it behind me and just move on. It's hard not to look for Him in the halls, wish for a text or a phone call, hope that maybe it's all a mistake and He's changed his mind. Because isn't that what the little Princess inside all of us secretly wants? We want the dramatic reversal that proves we're worth so much. That only happens in the movies and that's the only place where it works out.

Because I don't really want a dramatic reversal. I may want to hear that someone values me but I don't want to have to convince them. The right person will see it for themselves. I want to find someone who thinks my quirks are adorable. I want someone who encourages me to be myself because they're proud to know me: Someone who doesn't understand when people don't like me. I can't imagine wasting time with anything less than that. Rejection might sting a little but it doesn't hurt as much as pretending to be someone that you're not.

So I'm glad I told Him. Otherwise, I'd still be labouring under the tension of unresolved attraction. Instead, I am free to carry on with my life. I've had a bad couple of moments: doubting myself, acting a fool. But frankly, the process of working through rejection is far quicker than carrying a pointless crush around for years.

It just wasn't that bad and I would definitely do it again. I figure that two people being right for each other and actually figuring it out: teeny, tiny odds. But the odds are zero if you never ever try!

Recklessly Blown Away

Being careful is something that is deeply ingrained in us. It's one of the first lessons our parents teach us (often in a panic!) and the lesson only gets reinforced with time. Be careful when you cross the street. Be careful when you talk to strangers. Be careful when you fall in love. Be careful when you choose a career. Be careful with the baby. Be careful that you don't fall... Be careful...

I'm not advocating dangerous behaviour. Nor am I suggesting you should endanger your life or the lives of people around you. What I am suggesting is that perhaps being careful is not all that it's cracked up to be. Recently I've become more reckless. This is largely due to the fact that I'm exhausted from studying, working, and living, and I simply don't have any energy left into "caring".

I feel that caring, in this sense, should be defined. It's different than sparing a thought for a loved one's safety. It's different than passion for a hobby, sport, or interest. Caring, in the sense of "Be Careful", is to anticipate negative outcomes, let worry for that possible reality set in, and then act as if it has already happened.

So I don't have enough energy to "care"... to borrow troubles from an uncertain future and let that worry cloud the moment. But instead of finding myself in the throes of disaster, I find that my life feels free. Not caring, for me, has become the real version of living in the now. It's not that I'm unaware of the possible consequences of my actions. It's that, until such time as a consequence occurs, I will chose to live as if it hasn't happened yet. Worrying about something before it happens doesn't make things any easier when it comes time to actually deal. All worrying does is ruin the moment you're in.

I love this quote. The way it begins speaks to people who spend all their time caring. The fact that She is in the storm is adventure enough: good for her. And those people celebrate the fact that She did not blow away. Because they are being careful. Blown away is reckless... unpredictable... undesirable.

But what those people don't realize is: if She doesn't allow the wind to blow her away She will never discover new sights, new places, new thoughts... She might encounter calamity:

But then again... she might not.